Since my teenage years, I have been grieving the loss of my mother, even decades on. Despite knowing that the grief and trauma would never completely dissipate, I have finally learned to open up and cope with it more effectively.
My mother passed away after suffering a fatal asthma attack in front of my brother and me. Despite her efforts to swallow cortisone, she fell into a coma and died two days later in the hospital. Being a typical teenage daughter, I was not particularly nice to my mother at that time and never got the chance to tell her how much I really loved and needed her. Oh, how often have I wished since then that I could apologize to her for my behavior.
In order to continue functioning and avoid collapsing under the weight of the trauma and pain, I tried to carry on with life as normal as possible. I focused on school, friends, parties, holidays, family… Although people praised me for being strong and continuing to excel academically, no one ever asked how I truly felt beyond the usual greeting of “hi, how are you?” When I responded “fine,” people seemed relieved. And since I had always been praised for being strong and not showing weakness, I believed it was better to keep my struggles to myself. It seemed easier not to make others feel awkward about my situation.
I think people at that time were afraid of making me sad again by asking questions, or they were afraid to hear something they did not know how to react to. However, what I was actually longing to hear from someone was, “What you went through must have been unbearable. I do not know what to say or ask, but I am here for you when you need me. Let me know what I can do.” Unfortunately this someone never came along.
It took decades for me to muster the strength and courage to seek therapy, and I was fortunate enough to find an excellent therapist who helped me confront my inner child. She encouraged me to face the trauma head-on and she explained to me why I reacted irrationally in everyday situations, such as hearing an ambulance or learning of someone’s illness or injury.
People in crisis need someone who makes them feel safe enough to express their feelings. Praising someone for showing vulnerability is essential. It requires tremendous courage and strength to show weakness! I learned to open up to those closest to me and to cope with situations that used to frighten me. Although the pain and grief will always be present, I have become better equipped to manage them.
